I will always be grateful for you, love.

For quite a while, I have learned to be patient and controlled from posting anything private on social media. Whereas others would love to instantly post their statuses and whereabouts with who they call “friends” or “fam” or “lover.” I don’t have the appetite to take photos, give a caption and post right away so eyes can see how I do well. It’s because I still believe that real relationship status is not meant to be posted for others to just see but to nurture and live out for others to follow. However, this one long post deserves to be read by those who are hopelessly devoted singles, those in a blooming or even gloomy relationship, or those in the post-traumatic break-up or ever-promising start-up.

This isn’t about me.

After a long period of silence, finally, another wonderment came up! This doesn’t mean I do not have an everyday-story-of-grace. I certainly would love to attest that if it weren’t for the grace of God each millisecond of my life, I would certainly be doomed! Lo and behold! Let me just boast of God’s grace this opportune time.

Were you ever asked to surrender something so dear to you that you considered it as a loss?

How does it hurt?

Well, I did experience that kind of longing and agony a long time ago when I wanted somebody. Unfortunately, I ended up inferior, insecure, and envious – I felt sorry for myself because I couldn’t make him love me or like me, at least.

I thought of a lot of “what ifs.”
“What if we don’t end up together?”
“What if he likes somebody else?”
I couldn’t imagine him with someone else! Hala! My heart was wounded up with my own stabbing, my soul was despondent, and my mind was restless. I could still remember how I had sudden bursts of sadness for days. I sobbed, cried, and mourned. Daig ko pa ang nakipag break-up. Wala namang kami. At ayoko din namang umasa na. Yun ang hirap sa mga taong katulad ko, mag-assume.

At ayokong isisi yun sa kanya o sa iba. Dahil ako din naman ang pwedeng magdesisyon kung tama na o laban pa.
Ito yung mga panahong ramdam na ramdam ko ang kanta ni Sara Barreiles,
“Does anybody know how to hold my heart
How to hold my heart?
I don’t want to let go, let go, let go too soon.” – Wasak.

And what made it harder those days, I tried doing things on my own — in VAIN.

But when I couldn’t figure things out, when I came to an end of myself, and when I started to beg for God to remove this thorn in my flesh —THAT’S WHEN HE SHOWED ME HOW HIS GRACE IS SUFFICIENT IN MY WEAKNESSES. So after nights of prayers, dreams, and visions about “being” and “getting” changed, I knelt on my knees to Him and prayed,

“GOD, please, I surrender. Take these all, I need You more, I’m tired, I surrender…tama na, pagod na po ako.”

He started showing me a vision of myself on that same praying position, but I was giving Him something, a black tablet (might be something pricey and precious for people those times). Then I was suddenly corrected by God Himself saying,

“You know what makes it hard for you to surrender? It’s because you keep on handing over to me that thing, but you never wanted to let go. Let go, anak. That’s how to really surrender.”

Then I had a flashback of Abraham-Isaac story.

So that night I really surrendered my precious thorn and everything that hindered me from loving Him who has loved me first. Won’t you believe the next day when I saw him early in the morning I felt everything’s new again? No pain, no sadness, just the start of pure brotherly love for that person.

Then, I’d been through a lot after that breakthrough. (That significant chapter deserves to be written on a different note.) Let me jump onto what is “Now.“

Who would have thought that the one I have surrendered to the Lord years ago would be God’s right gift for me in His time? Isn’t it silly that the one who I dreamt to be with until my old age wasn’t actually a dream to be mesmerized, but a prayer to be realized? Minsan ‘pag may pinapasuko sayo ang LORD, hindi ibig sabihin gusto Nya lang kunin yun sayo, minsan gusto Nya lang itama ang puso mo at ang direksyon ng buhay mo. At minsan naman ‘pag may pinapasuko na lalo na at nagiging idol na ng buhay mo, isuko mo na. Kaya magtiwala ka lang sa Kanya kasi meron Syang mas magandang plano at regalo para sayo sa tamang panahon.

Before I wanted him and he was taken away from me. Now that I have a change of heart, God knew that I needed him JUST-IN Time.. so He gave me his blessing. With God’s guidance, we decided to take our 12-year friendship to another level last July 27th. Two weeks ago (17th of November) we got engaged. (Will write this heart-breaking at the same time heart-warming story in another post.)

This we can never do on our own for getting in a relationship must be taken seriously, so we need to pray more and invest in God’s Word all the more. We must also consider our parents, family, and spiritual friends to guide us and keep us on track. This principle gives both Justin and I the confidence in the Lord on taking this relationship further. Ang relasyon ay di dapat tinatago kung tama sa mata ng Diyos.

And alam ko na para samin talaga yung mga kanta ni Moira.
Justin, hayaan mong kantahin ko ‘to sayo sa mga pagkakataong meron ako..

‘Di ko inakalang darating din sa akin

Nu’ng ako’y nanalangin kay Bathala,

Naubusan ng bakit

Bakit umalis nang walang sabi?

Bakit ‘di siya lumaban kahit konti?

Bakit ‘di maitama ang tadhana?

At nakita kita sa tagpuan ni Bathala

May kinang sa mata na ‘di maintindihan

Tumingin kung saan

Sinubukan kong lumisan

At tumigil ang mundo

Nu’ng ako’y ituro mo

“Siya ang panalangin ko“

At hindi, ‘di mapaliwanag

Ang nangyari sa akin

Saksi ang lahat ng tala

Sa iyong panalangin

Pa’no nasagot lahat ng bakit?

‘Di makapaniwala sa nangyari

Pa’no mo naitama ang tadhana?

Nu’ng nakita kita sa tagpuan ni Bathala

May kinang sa mata na ‘di maintindihan

Tumingin kung saan

Sinubukan kong lumisan

At tumigil ang mundo

Nung ako’y ituro mo

At hindi ka lumayo

Nu’ng ako ‘yung sumusuko

At nagbago ang mundo

Nu’ng ako’y pinaglaban mo

At tumigil ang mundo

Nu’ng ako’y pinili mo

Ikaw ang panalangin ko

Hindi ko talaga lubos akalain na magiging tayo sa huli’t huli. Nakakatawang isipin minsan, kung kelan ako sumuko, tsaka naman pinagkaloob, at kung kelan ako lumayo tsaka naman tayo pinagtagpo.

Nasubok nang distansya at panahon ang ating relasyon. Pinapatunayan lang nito na kapag ang Diyos ang may Akda, ang imposible ay magiging posible.

Sa dinami dami ng tao sa mundo, buti na lang, Ikaw at ikaw pa rin pala, and I will always be grateful for you, love. Simpleng tao, pero pambihira magmahal sa Lord, sa mga magulang, sa kapatid, sa mga kaanak, at kaibigan. Salamat kasi minahal mo ko ng buo pati ang pamilya ko. Ang ganda ng regalo ng LORD sa ikadalawampu’t siyam kong buhay sa mundo. Kung sabi nila jackpot ka sakin, mali sila… Daig ko pa ang nanalo sa lotto kasi di kayang pantayan ng yaman sa mundo yung joy na dulot ng pagibig mo. Bonus na lang yung kapogian, ka-wackyhan, at kadamihan ng talent na meron ka!

I got engaged to Jesus when I got engaged to you.

Getting engaged with someone you love and someone who loves you is a beautiful metaphor of Christ’s love for his church. Even though flawed and unworthy, you are a representation of God’s love for me. We both had severity in our past, and in our brokenness, we were blessed. Until now, we’re reaping the fruits of the seed of prayers and tears we have sown. In reality, there’s no perfect relationship, but I praise God for He is perfecting His grace in us. We may fail at times, we may struggle, but because of God’s love, we will be sanctified daily and will always be dependent only upon His daily sufficient grace.

“Thank you love for being man enough to kneel down and commit yourself to me as you commit your life to Jesus. We will prepare our hearts for marriage itself, not the wedding fads. We don’t need an extravagant ceremony or reception, it’s not a party after all. All we need is the intimacy and sacredness of God’s ordained matrimony and the reality of life that awaits it. And “ours” will always be pointing towards His Glory.“

You are my greatest blessing, my Hallelujah. Mahal din kita.

Sabi nga nila balang araw darating ang iyong tanging hinihiling, at yung sakin dumating na. Ikaw ang sagot sa mga panalangin.

Looking forward to a more meaningful season of life with you at sa magiging kanta na natin,

…At ngayon, nand’yan ka na, ‘di mapaliwanag ang nadarama

Handa ako sa walang hanggan, ‘Di paaasahin, ‘Di ka sasaktan

Mula noon, hanggang ngayon..

At ngayon, nandito na, palaging hahawakan iyong mga kamay

‘Di ka na mag-iisa, sa hirap at ginhawa’y iibigin ka

Mula noon, hanggang ngayon

Mula ngayon, hanggang dulo

Ikaw at ako

Sa kamay ng ating Diyos.

Truly, GOD is a God of restoration. He restored me from my old ruins. He gave me a loving family (our families). He has provided me with genuine friends (here in Ph and in China). He has blessed me with a man who has committed himself to walk with me along the road ahead.

GOD is Love.

Love REPAIRS.

Love REBUILDS.

Love RAISES UP.

Love RESTORES.

There is a blessing in brokenness. We may not always understand “now,” but it will make sense soon.

True, God made everything beautiful in itself and in its time – but he’s left us in the dark, so we can never know what God is up to, whether he’s coming or going.

I’ve decided that there’s nothing better to do than go ahead and have a good time and get the most we can out of life. To give God the glory He deserves and serve the people through His grace.

This isn’t about me nor about Justin.

This is just one of the billion stories of God’s Transforming Grace to the undeserving yet loved unconditionally and forgiven.

“What the enemy meant for evil,

God meant for good to lead people to His Salvation

and bring Glory to His name.”